How to stop those stupid Twittascope posts on your Twitter account

It's ok, we still follow you, but we're annoyed as fuck by your stupid horoscope shit every day. But you need to fix it like right now. And I'm going to show you how.

Log in to you Twitter account on Twitter.com and go to Settings in the upper right hand corner. Then click on the Connections tab and find Twitterscope. Click Revoke Access. Congratulations, you just became a little smarter. I mean really, did you think your life was controlled by where the stars were in the sky when you were born? I mean fuck.

Share this post with all your friends that you want to stop flooding your stream with crap.

How To Be A Social Media Douche Bag

• Sign up for every single social networking site ever. Start with the usual MySpace and Facebook and just branch out from there. Twitter and Plurk. Brightkite and Orkut. The more rare they are the better, cause you're the social-media expert, remember, so you have to be the all over the place.
• Don't forget to add thousands of friends on all these sites. FORCE PEOPLE TO KNOW YOU.
  
• Tell everyone you're an expert and create blog posts about all the great ideas that you came up with and how people look up to you. Remember, you're marketing yourself here.
• Tell everyone how much money you make. But you really don't make a lot of money so make up facts and figures.
• Make sure everyone knows you use TweetDeck.
  
• Crossposting. Make sure your blog forwards to your Twitter and you have your Twitter updates on your blog, and your Facebook shows all your Twitter updates and your Brightkite forwards to your identi.ca and your MySpace bullitens forward to your Orkut page.
• Find other douche bags to promote you. Even if they're not big names like Kawasaki and Scoble it's ok. The point is that you're the little guy that's doing big things.
• Pretend that you know all the big players. Talk to them, comment on their blogs. Don't forget to share links, retweet, crosspost, reblog, rereblog, rewrite, converse, share, create, collaborate, etc, etc, etc.
• Make some podcasts. Speak in abstract a lot.
• Write things about SEO even if you don't know what you're talking about. Quote Matt Cutts and pretend you hang out with him.
  
• Plan stupid meetups where you discuss the same stuff you talked about online 30 minutes before you met. Public coffee shops are the best because you can be seen being important and smart. Don't forget to bring your MacBook Pro, because all experts use Apple products.
• Hire someone to build a website. Make it all flashy and stuff. You can't be bothered learning how to make websites, you're the social media expert, not some shmuck that does coding all day and night.
• Get some fancy business cards with a fancy logo that makes it look like a big corporation hired you to do PR and SEO work. In fact, use lots of acronyms to confuse people to what you actually do.
• Try to be exactly like Wayne Sutton. Actually, you'll have to make friends with him. See, he's black and you don't want to look like a racist. You are the enlightened expert.
• Post videos to YouTube of you typing really fast or ranting on how some startup is going to fail or Scoble isn't doing it right even though you love him.
  
• Don't ever talk about what you actually think. Speak in abstracts and made up technical terms.
• Don't ever talk about what you actually do. Tell people about big conferences, but don't actually let them find out you were never there.
• Read TechCrunch like everyday. Leave comments about how all those startups will never succeed without your help.
• And most important of all, don't let anyone tell you that you don't know what you're doing. There's lots of old media and haters out there that just want to see you fail. But the proof is in the AdSense earnings. Make sure you read lots of e-books and get all the latest tools to maximize your earnings. Even you can market to marketers, you're the social media expert.

Learn more by following me on Twitter: @benmarvin

Rhyming Guide For Future Twitter Raps

Rhymes with "Twitter": (from onelook.com)

1. acquitter 2. admitter 3. aglitter 4. atwitter 5. babysitter 6. bedsitter 7. bitter 8. blitter 9. bullshitter 10. chitter 11. clitter 12. committer 13. critter 14. disembitter 15. disimbitter 16. embitter 17. emitter 18. fencesitter 19. fitter 20. flitter 21. fritter 22. glitter 23. hairsplitter 24. hitter 25. imbitter

26. intromitter 27. jitter 28. knitter 29. litter 30. manumitter 31. neurotransmitter 32. nitter 33. omitter 34. outfitter 35. permitter 36. pitter 37. quitter 38. remitter 39. ritter 40. salzgitter 41. shipfitter 42. shitter 43. sidesplitter 44. sitter 45. skitter 46. slitter 47. spitter 48. splitter 49. steamfitter 50. submitter

51. titter 52. transmitter 53. twitter (duh) 54. unbitter 55. witter

Top Twitter People in Charlotte, NC

Ok, here's my list of the top Twitter people/users/tweeple in Charlotte. Or #TopCLTTweeples. Or something. Sorry if I don't think that other list was good enough or whatever, you just gotta do some research. So if I forgot you, sorry, make your own fuckin list. I like lists, we need more. Alphabetically order to avoid bias. But this list is very biased. I made it. Oh, and maybe you didn't make the list because I don't know who the hell you are. Be more interesting. Tweet more. Just be an awesome motherfucker.

http://twitter.com/benmarvin - Oh, and me? I'm Ben Marvin. Alias, a hoe taming motherfucker.

1. http://twitter.com/485Sucks - This is just a personal plug for me, @cltraffic could be better at the traffic thing.
   
2. http://twitter.com/93octane - Add him, he's metal as fuck. And he likes to do those Tweetup things.
   
3. http://twitter.com/adrianadeleo - Although recently slowing activity, she's worth a follow. And she's hot, how could you say no?
   
4. http://twitter.com/amstar - Just look at the avatar. Yeah, that's real as fuck.
   
5. http://twitter.com/andybenton - Apparently he might never tweet again because of me. We'll see.
   
6. http://twitter.com/antibrad - He's got a beard! Quick go through your follow list and see how many have beards. Not enough? See, I knew it.
   
7. http://twitter.com/AshPash - Sometimes I think she's trying to be more vulgar than me.
   
8. http://twitter.com/bigfleet - Wait? He's got more followers than me? I must be doing something wrong.
   
9. http://twitter.com/blairblends - I dunno, he made @cltweather. Isn't that enough. Also, Jake's arm.
   
10. http://twitter.com/budesigns - I make his favorite list often. And I'm cool as fuck. Also, Jake's arm.
    
11. http://twitter.com/capitalfellow - Met him at some tweetups. I guess not all iPhone owners are pricks. Just the ones I haven't met.
    
12. http://twitter.com/Ceedee - I dunno who he is, but people follow him. Must have something to say.
    
13. http://twitter.com/Charlotte_SEO - Made a list of some Twitter people. I couldn't find myself.
    
14. http://twitter.com/ciordia9 - He takes pictures and jumps out of planes, maybe even at the same time, holy fuck.
    
15. http://twitter.com/cltblog - Is the only blog about Charlotte? Possibly.
    
16. http://twitter.com/cltraffic - Realtime traffic reports and user generated traffic tips.
    
17. http://twitter.com/cltweather - Way better than that @wx_charlotte or whatever it is.
    
18. http://twitter.com/dotamy - She's got some funny tweets. I think @93octane works for her.
    
19. http://twitter.com/ijablokov - Dunno who this is or what he does. I don't follow him, but 484 other motherfuckers make up for it.
    
20. http://twitter.com/ironfroggy - Man, he tweets about some technical shit. Probably way smarter than me. Kinda makes me wish I did something with my life...
    
21. http://twitter.com/jakrose - Holy shitballs, his website is like way fancier than mine. But if we made websites out of wood, instead of "designed" (whatever the fuck that means), the tables would be turned my friend.
    
22. http://twitter.com/jchristenbury - His percentage of drunk tweets might rival mine. Just a guess though.
    
23. http://twitter.com/jruckman - He does some shiv with @cltblog or something. I dunno. He's got a fuckton of followers. Join the crowd!
    
24. http://twitter.com/kateymarie - She's a Park-N-Ride girl.
    
25. http://twitter.com/KaylaC - I think she does something with the news. Yeah, yeah she does.
    
26. http://twitter.com/kjannfischer - I think she's a model and a singer or something. She looks like it. She might be cool if she ever came out to karaoke.
    
27. http://twitter.com/kittydoom - She works with gay porn or something. That's cool, right?
    
28. http://twitter.com/LinuxBlog - Holy shit, someone else in Charlotte that loves Linux? And they run a blog? Sweet.
    
29. http://twitter.com/lisahoffmann - She does marketing or something. Not sure. But she's had a funny tweet or two.
    
30. http://twitter.com/Lloylddaniels - I think the only reason he follows me is to get I-77 northbound traffic reports. I could be wrong.
    
31. http://twitter.com/Mattstewart1 - Here, just look at this tweet.
32. http://twitter.com/MCGSTUDIO - Direct Quote: "I have more than 3 tweets. I rock the Casbah". I don't even know what the fuck this Casbah thing is, but it's been rocked.
    
33. http://twitter.com/natters1210 - I have her v-card. Can I say that outloud?
    
34. http://twitter.com/nudoru - One of 2 people to send me a DM about this list. He's a corporate designer and a Flash geek. What have you done with your life?
    
35. http://twitter.com/PGHolyfield - Who is this guy? Fuck if I know, but he's got a fuckload of followers, that's gotta count for something I guess.
    
36. http://twitter.com/pixelnated - Oh yeah, I'm on his favorite's list. This guy must have an awesome sense of humor.
    
37. http://twitter.com/PoopIsComingOut - Infrequent updates, but it's worth it every time.
    
38. http://twitter.com/pussyhunter - Same as above. (I should probably mention this is one of my other accounts.)
    
39. http://twitter.com/rikcat - He's an artist. I looked at his website. That's some creepy shit. I wouldn't want that shit chasing me down a dark alley. Thank God it's just artwork.
    
40. http://twitter.com/rosebeezy - I'm not quite sure what she does, but sometimes she blows up my phone with tweets.
41. http://twitter.com/samazon - "We've made some real tight connections lately..." True story.
    
42. http://twitter.com/sbazemore - The only person to reply to my "Getting my dick wet" tweet. That's gotta count for something. (not gay)
    
43. http://twitter.com/ScottHepburn - He knows like shit about like motherfucking marketing. And if my memory serves me, he's got a really old Blackberry.
    
44. http://twitter.com/shrop - He does some technical stuff, like with computers and shit. He likes to Tweet links. I would be disappointed if I ever met him and that hair was not real.
    
45. http://twitter.com/shuntera
    
46. http://twitter.com/SupaMagg - She's got a big fuckoff water jug and she forces me to recycle.
    
47. http://twitter.com/theobserver - Jeez, do people still read newspapers? Also, JAKE'S ARM.
48. http://twitter.com/tmroggen - Looks like she's getting the hang of this Twitter thing. I mean, she did just start following that @benmarvin guy.
    
49. http://twitter.com/underoak - She works for the Observer or something.
    
50. http://twitter.com/UpsideUp - She runs a website or something. (Doesn't everybody?) Also, one time she shot up her neighbors house. Probably a gangsta.
    
51. http://twitter.com/vinnie - He works from home I think. Probably never has to wear pants. I envy this dude.
    
52. http://twitter.com/wcnc - Do people still get their news from the television? Maybe that's why the TV station is on the interwebs.
    
53. http://twitter.com/wuori - He shares a birthday with @natters1210. Also, he's got a hot sister that probably wants me.
    
54. http://twitter.com/xCaitlinx - Most active tweeter about giraffes and cupcakes.
    
55. http://twitter.com/Yagermeister333 - How many people do you know that own a space dong? None, unless you follow him.
    

And this guy made the other list? 10 follows, 10 updates? The last update a month old? Gimme a break. http://twitter.com/immi505

Suggestions? Problems? Leave a comment or @reply me. Or DM me.

Failwhale Shirts

There's a couple different styles over at Zazzle.


Failwhale ate my balls

More Twitter Shirts

New one from eatsleeptweet.com


And this one is for http://isTwitterdown.com

Twitter Shirts

https://www.secureshirts.com/v3/


http://store.eatsleeptweet.com/ (this place has a couple of shirts)


http://startupwear.com/twitter.html


http://twitter.reactee.com


https://www.cottyn.com/shirts/thats_what_she_twittered

Bye Bye, Jaiku

I've decided to abandon Jaiku. It's nice and I think I like it better than Twitter. However due to the exorbitant international text messaging rates on T-Mobile, I'll stick with Twitter for now. To Natalie and Aimee, I encourage you to move to Twitter and keep up with it.