How To Be A Social Media Douche Bag

• Sign up for every single social networking site ever. Start with the usual MySpace and Facebook and just branch out from there. Twitter and Plurk. Brightkite and Orkut. The more rare they are the better, cause you're the social-media expert, remember, so you have to be the all over the place.
• Don't forget to add thousands of friends on all these sites. FORCE PEOPLE TO KNOW YOU.
  
• Tell everyone you're an expert and create blog posts about all the great ideas that you came up with and how people look up to you. Remember, you're marketing yourself here.
• Tell everyone how much money you make. But you really don't make a lot of money so make up facts and figures.
• Make sure everyone knows you use TweetDeck.
  
• Crossposting. Make sure your blog forwards to your Twitter and you have your Twitter updates on your blog, and your Facebook shows all your Twitter updates and your Brightkite forwards to your identi.ca and your MySpace bullitens forward to your Orkut page.
• Find other douche bags to promote you. Even if they're not big names like Kawasaki and Scoble it's ok. The point is that you're the little guy that's doing big things.
• Pretend that you know all the big players. Talk to them, comment on their blogs. Don't forget to share links, retweet, crosspost, reblog, rereblog, rewrite, converse, share, create, collaborate, etc, etc, etc.
• Make some podcasts. Speak in abstract a lot.
• Write things about SEO even if you don't know what you're talking about. Quote Matt Cutts and pretend you hang out with him.
  
• Plan stupid meetups where you discuss the same stuff you talked about online 30 minutes before you met. Public coffee shops are the best because you can be seen being important and smart. Don't forget to bring your MacBook Pro, because all experts use Apple products.
• Hire someone to build a website. Make it all flashy and stuff. You can't be bothered learning how to make websites, you're the social media expert, not some shmuck that does coding all day and night.
• Get some fancy business cards with a fancy logo that makes it look like a big corporation hired you to do PR and SEO work. In fact, use lots of acronyms to confuse people to what you actually do.
• Try to be exactly like Wayne Sutton. Actually, you'll have to make friends with him. See, he's black and you don't want to look like a racist. You are the enlightened expert.
• Post videos to YouTube of you typing really fast or ranting on how some startup is going to fail or Scoble isn't doing it right even though you love him.
  
• Don't ever talk about what you actually think. Speak in abstracts and made up technical terms.
• Don't ever talk about what you actually do. Tell people about big conferences, but don't actually let them find out you were never there.
• Read TechCrunch like everyday. Leave comments about how all those startups will never succeed without your help.
• And most important of all, don't let anyone tell you that you don't know what you're doing. There's lots of old media and haters out there that just want to see you fail. But the proof is in the AdSense earnings. Make sure you read lots of e-books and get all the latest tools to maximize your earnings. Even you can market to marketers, you're the social media expert.

Learn more by following me on Twitter: @benmarvin

Who Says Money Can't Buy Friends?

That's it. I'm deleting my myspace. I've had enough. It's gone too far.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

MySpace custom style remover Greasemonkey script - Lifehacker

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Recently I updated my MySpace profile's "Who I want to meet" section to include that I want to meet Asian people. I've come to the realization that I don't have any Asian friends. I've never had one. Any Asian person I've ever met has always been a friend of a friend.
Does I make me a racist because I want Asian friends? In fact, I wouldn't mind hanging out with a lot less white folks. Perhaps it's my identity-chrisis/Japanese business man complex. Perhaps I'm just searching for people that are smarter than most people here in Charlotte.
So, if you know any Asians, or you are an Asian, I'm looking for new friends.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

Slashdot | Teen Sues MySpace Over Sexual Assault

http://yro.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=06/06/20/0348247&from=rss
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Download Songs From MySpace

MySpace allows you to listen to a lot of music, but they only allow you to download a select few of the songs. Here is the work around.
1. Goto the MySpace site that you want to download the music from
2. That page must have at least one song available for download
3. Open notepad
4. Right-click the download link and select copy Link
5. Paste this link into your notepadYou see something like this: http://mp3download.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction= bandprofile.downloadSong&bsid=OldSongNumberHere&song_name= Title of the Old Song Here &fid=bandid
6. Right-click the add link and select copy link
7. Paste this into your notepadYou will see something like this: asfunction:addSong,NewSongNumber^Title of the New Song Here
8. Now in the original URL just replace the old song number and old title with the new number and title. Paste this URL into your browser and click OK.
9. After several seconds, you will be prompted to download the song.

via Tech-Recipes.com - MySpace: Hack to Download Any Song on MySpace

Blogged with Flock

Here They Are, The MySpace Phones

First up it the KickFlip.


And my personal favorite, the Hero:

'Myspace' Phone

Well, thumbing through the new issue of Wired magazine, there's and article on the company that will be bringing us the new 'Myspace' branded handset. It may look like any other 2007 handset, with a large screen and pretty colors, but it's the upcoming features that actually excite me. Not only is there the obligatory direct link to Myspace mail and pictures, but features like 'location activated photo sharing and blogging', '1GB removable memory for videos and audio' and 'gifting and begging of other subscribers'. That last one sound very suspect of being a payment system via mobile phone. And I know that scares you hermits out there. Sorry. This is the future and I kinda want one. Well, of course that would be hinging on the release of a multimedia oriented Blackberry. Hmmm. Anywho, the article goes on to describe some of the phones available in Korea such as $700 8 megapixel camera phones that can receive satellite TV. I so jealous. Either the cell providers here need to get off the MP3 ringtone bandwagon and get with the program, or I'm going to Korea or Finland.

And Now There's Videos...

Hey MySpace! Hey Tom! Here's a suggestion for you. Stopping adding new features that hardly work and fix the ones you already have. It's no sense putting on a new fur coat if your face looks like a burn victim.

"An unexpected error has occured."

Sorry Tom, but I was expecting that error.

Error. Server too busy. That feature has been disabled. Blah blah blah. Just get the shit fixed. It can be done. No more excuses. Excuses are tools of the incompetent.

Myspace has got to be the least user friendly, but for the most users. Stop worrying about the latest trends or features. People go to MySpace for their friends and to meet people, not for the latest mumbojumbo cool featurette, and certainly not for the error messages.

MySpace.com And The Generation Of Illiterate

Think about the most often said message or comment on MySpace. It might be "Hey, you sexy bitch" or "That's hawt" or perhaps even "Add me!" or whatever. No matter, that's all about to change. See the folks on MySpace are notorious for misspelling words, using odd phrasing, and generally having no respect for the good folks that write grammar books and edit dictionaries. Now, this is where I draw my problem. How do you reach these folks? How do you try to explain to them that what they're doing is wrong? Well, I'm glad you asked! Let's start with the simple. The case of your and you're, and alternatively their and they're. This is perhaps the most common, and coincidentally, the ugliest of errors. It's just plain wrong. It makes me want to throw up and fling vomit GG Allin style. Now, I'm not blaming these kids, per se. I do consciously realize most of them did go to government schools, and therefore received below par instruction. And the remainder perhaps do not have the brain capacity to retain what they've been taught.

So there's the case, and here's the plan of action. With the help of my readers and my own ambition, the newest, most common communique on MySpace.com is going to be the following.

From: "Ben@Myspace"
To: "Their What Your Trying To Be@Myspace"
Body: http://dictionary.reference.com/help/faq/language/t/there-their.html

And that's it. Just that link. That's all. Try it, it's fun. It's educational. And, the best part of all, you're reaching out to the kids to make the world of tomorrow a better place for their children.

Myspace Reality Check

Your boyfriend is in jail. You can't spell. And you most likely will expire of a drug overdose.

To Those Who Haven't Seen It