Things John Kerry Will Do As President

If John Kerry is elected as President he will accomplish the following things:

• Slap John Edwards on the butt, and say "Way to go, we did it, captain!"
  
• Ban the Bible
  
• Activate robots that eat old people's medicine
  
• Enact the "honky" tax law
  
• Take away guns from everyone including police (but not criminals)
  
• Tax the Internet
  
• Put Adolf Hitler on the 8-bollar bill
  
• Make his back-waxing sessions part of the State-Of-The-Union address
  
• Proclaim Frankenstein as one of the greatest movies of all time, mandating it as required viewing for all high-schoolers
  
• Do testing of new drugs on black people
  
• Release Saddam Hussein
  
• Pardon Charles Manson
  
• Declare Texas part of Mexico
  
• Declare Mexico as part of Alaska
  
• Veto a bill to ban gay marriage
  
• Approve a bill to ban gay marriage
  
• Open the borders, allowing Mexicans and Socialist Canadians to roam the country freely
  
• Lower the drinking age to 13
  
• Drop the lawsuit against the tobacco companies
  
• Ship Ronald Reagan's corpse to Vietnam with an apology letter for the war
  
• Promise to pull out troops from the middle east, then bomb them some more, then apologize, then tax them, then buy all the oil with ketchup profits, then leave our troops there, then sell beheading videos
  
• Get taxpayers to pay for daily facelifts
  
• Fired John Edwards, forcing him to return to his job at Wheel Of Fortune, then hire Cat Stevens as the new vice-president
  
• Hold daily book burnings
  
• Raise the gas prices to $294 per gallon
  
• Legalize crack
  
• Outlaw aspirin
  
• Refer to Islamic terrorists as "go-getters"
  
• Get blowjobs from interns
  
• Declare Spanish the new official language
  
• Embrace Islam as the fastest growing religion in the US
  
• Create the National Commission For Studies In Great Looking Hair, appointing Jack Kemp as chairman
  
• Slap John Edwards on the butt some more
  
• Put a tax on pet ownership
  
• Use harsh fines to curb usage of the "horse walks into a bar" jokes in the oval office
  
• Appoint P Diddy as the official spokes person in charge of getting people to vote
  
• Give the FCC authorization to regulate face-to-face conversations
  
• Cut defense spending, using the money to invest in French porn companies
  
• Raise taxes and some other shit that people don't like
  
• Force Rush Limbaugh and Dan Rather to make out
  
• Declare war on Santa Claus
  
• Create more jobs, errr...sweatshops