Study Finds Blackberry Not As Good As Crack

Recent research into wireless e-mail and its relation to illicit drugs has revealed that the RIM BlackBerry is nowhere near as good as snorting crack cocaine. The Canadian-made device has been dubbed CrackBerry by many for its addictive quality, a name which hardly captures the type of addiction. "The device does not generate any physical addiction," said one medical expert, "Although it has been linked to psychological addiction, not too different from marijuana. However, HempBerry and BlackDoobie just aren't as catchy."

In the study, subjects were given either a BlackBerry or a placebo (GameBoy) and then snorted either crack cocaine or self-rising, white flour. Almost all those in the flour group preferred their electronic devices, but the crack group unanimously gave themselves over to the white's sweet, sweet high. "Holy shit, man," said one subject, "I don't need this thing, all my e-mails are being beemed into my brain." He then tried to throw his GameBoy out the closed window.

The effects could still be seen a few days after the study as 92% of the coke group were more than willing to pay for more while only 15% of those who had BlackBerrys showed keen interest in purchasing a device. Those who had GameBoys and flour took their 50 bucks and left sneezing.

"These folks throwing around the phrase CrackBerry have no idea what they're talking about' said one expert. "It's like calling pumpernickel the double-orgasm of breads. Sure it's my favourite, but I'm not going to turn down a night with Angelina Jolie for a sandwich." So let's face it, when given the option of sending and receiving e-mails on the fly or doing lines, we're all rollin' twenties.

[ Reprinted without permission]