I Wish I Knew

Sometimes you make me feel like just a plaything. Sometimes I feel like a whore, sometimes you call me a whore. I wish I could explain it to you. I don't want to fight. I don't want you to get upset. I don't want to be just friends, but I do wish we could be friends. Sometimes, when you touch me, I don't want to be touched. It's not hard to understand. I'm depressed. I need a fucking job. I can't afford my fucking car payments. I can't take you out to dinner, to the movies. I feel like a worthless piece of shit all the time. Can you tell? I guess not. My priority is not making out, my priority is not having sex. It's a nice thing to have. But sometimes, I just want to look at you. Sometimes, I just want to cuddle and not have to worry about you grabbing my cock. Sometimes, I just want to sit alone, and cry if I could. If I can't explain how I feel without hurting you, then I will stop telling you anything. The last thing I want is for you to be hurt. Tell me what you expect, tell me what I can do. I wish we got along better. I wish we didn't have to sit at home all the time. I wish we didn't fight about what to do, where to go. I wish we could go out and do the things we wanted. I wish I didn't have to scour Ebay for hours just to try and make a few dollars for gas money so I could come over and see you. And make you cigarettes. And take you out to the places you hate, just because it's something to occupy our time till we die. This isn't how I envisioned it. This isn't how I want my life to be. I wish we didn't have a TV. I wish I didn't like coffee. I wish I didn't get headaches. I wish I didn't want to do anything. Sometimes things just don't work out right. I accept that. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could make it better...all the time. Everyday, I wish things we better for us. This is tearing us apart and I don't want it to be like that. I don't want things to end. Go ahead, laugh at me. Call me a gay emo boy. Call me an idiot. I know you will. I don't care. I'm trying to tell you how I feel. It's so fucking hard to put my emotions into words. I've been trying for years, and no one has ever fucking got it. Am I that complicated? Am I really that hard to get along with? I'm just as unique and particular as anyone else. There's things I like and things I don't like. I try to accomodate, I try to be polite. But I don't like to get trampled on when I tell you how I feel. Don't accuse me of saying what I didn't mean. Don't tell me how I feel. Don't get upset, because what I said makes you feel the wrong way. That was never my intention. I love you the same I will when I'm 121, that will never change. I hope things will be better from this day on. I hope I am doing the right things to make that happen. But I don't know, I've never done this right before. I've never had a succesful relationship. I'm always the fuckup it seems. I wish someone would clue me in. Or maybe they have and I'm just to stupid to get it. I refuse to give up my personality and feelings. But I'm trying to be a good boyfriend. I'm trying to be a good friend. I'm trying... Ha ha, I always say that don't I? Maybe I shouldn't try and just do. I wish I knew how.