7 Fake Things About Me

1. I'm a virgin. Yeah, I know it's hard to believe when I talk about all the skanks I've banged, but I've never been that lucky. Just seen a lot of porn. There was one time when I almost banged this hot MILF, but her husband came home right before penetration time. Don't ask how I got out of that sticky situation.
2. I murdered a man once. Ok, so you asked about what I told you not to ask about. Yeah, I had to kill they husband. He was gonna kill me for trying to pork his wife, what was I supposed to do?
3. I don't steal music or movies. Yeah, sure it's easy to download some movies and stuff from The Pirate Bay. But I like to pay for everything. That's why I'm $50,000 in debt cause I just had to own the entire U2 catalog.
4. I have my pilot's license. Yup, I've been flying planes since before I could drive a car. I've logged many thousands of hours in flight and can even fly jet fighters. I once thought about becoming a commercial pilot because they make loads of money, but I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to smoke cigarettes for hours at a time.
5. I eat tacos for lunch every day. It's like a dream come true. I got sponsored by Taco Bell and now they send a hot Mexican girl over to my house every day around noon and she brings me tacos. Then she massages me till I fall asleep for my afternoon nap.
6. I can't count. I ate lead paint when I was 3 years old and now I have brain damage and can't count simple numbers. But I can perform complex equations in my head at lightning speed.