I did my laundry. I'm cleaning my room up. I put stuff on eBay. I'm doing stuff. It makes me feel a little better. I'm still torn to shreds, but I'm maintaining. It's going to be hard the next couple of days. It's going to be hard to go back to work. But I will. I need to. I need to write more. I have something to say and I want to get them out. I think I need a night at the Waffle House or Starbucks by myself. But I can't drive. Or at least I won't drive. I can't risk it now. I'm going to get my stuff fixed. Pay the blood money and never look back. First they drug you, then they bend you over the barrel. Then they bend you over again. I counted it up, it's in the thousands already. Who knows what else I'm gonna get raped for. Meanwhile the vatos are out there killing people and they get 30 days, scott-free. I'm trying my hardest not to be bitter at anyone right now, but under the circumstances, it's all too easy. But that's a temptation I will have to resist.
I feel like selling everything I own and moving to Vegas right now. I want to get away, run away from all this. The biggest burdens of my life, and I need to stand there and take it. I want to sell my car and get a motorcycle. Trade in my Home Depot apron for a leather jacket, shave my head and ride into the sunset. Taking whomever will go with me. This town is the quintescence of evil. I have nothing to offer this city anymore.
I think my sister is doing better, and that's a good thing. She is the one I'm worried about. No, not like that, but she seems to be pretty emotional and taking things pretty hard. I hope she can hold it together a little while longer. It will be better before we know it. We will move on. Never to forget, but to do the things that need to be done. To honor our mother, and to live for God. This life is but a short one, and you never fully appreciate the goodness of life. There will always be regrets and you do your best with what you are provided with. You live for the life, not for the moment. You plan for tomorrow, but you also plan for tomorrow not to come. Because no man knows the day, nor the hour. No man is in control as much as he would think.
I am determined. I was raised right. I'm set in my ways to do the right thing. From now on. Till the end of my days. There is so much I need to accomplish. There is so much I have to do. I will live dreams, I will fulfill wishes. I will cherish the moments, and I will honor, above all.
2 comments:
*applauds* Good for you Ben. I am very proud of you. Everything happens for a reason. I don't want you to shave your head and sell your beloved Saab for a motorcycle, but it goes back to the "*not-so-sure* Whatever makes you happy Ben?"
Ben do what helps you and your brother, sister and especially your father right now. His loss I really believe is the largest right now. I'd hate to see you go. But, you still my nigga.
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