Hellcoaster

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how I should feel. I wish I knew how to be here for my family. I know they need me, but I don't know how to show I care. I have to work, it will be very hard. Losing something like this is more than just about money or doing dishes. It's love. It's that love that can tear everything out of you when it's gone. I know she's still here with us, but I feel very alone right now. All my friends are around. Sometimes I feel bad when they laugh and joke, and try to make me feel better. I don't want them to be around like this. I don't want to have to be cheered up. I feel like an asshole for needing attention and love. I feel like an asshole for thinking that this would be the thing to change my life. I feel selfish for trying to learn a lesson. I feel like an asshole for blaming myself. I feel like an asshole for blaming anyone else. I don't want to feel anything. I am numb, but there's a million billion things going on in my head. I don't know what I should let go. Don't know what to say. Don't know if I should be silent the rest of my life or shout it from the rooftops. I don't know where to go from here. I want to go back to the way things used to be. I want to go to sleep and wake up, then everything will go away. All of it. I want to know that it's all going to be ok. I want to be sure that things are better. I want to know I will see my mother again. I wish I could express how I feel, but I am blocking it off. I think I feel that if I don't say anything, I don't feel it inside. But that's just not true. I'm torn from limb to limb. I am a train wreck in The Vatican. The Chicago fire at a fireworks factory. I feel more like I should be screaming day and night. Cursing the sky. Running in the streets. I want to run away, but now is when I should face my fears. Face my worries. Face the realities of life. These are the consequences for being evil. This is what happens when you forsake your Creator. This is what happens to good people. This is life. There is no getting around it. There is no running away at this juncture. There is no choice to be made, a choice has been made for you. Someone tell me what to do. Tell me what I did. No one deserves this. But everyone must go through this. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. No, not now. Not like this. This should be saved for the movies. This is for Lifetime and HBO, not my lifetime, not in my home. But I always said the worst parts of my life are like a movie. I need to sit back, ride it out like a bad storm, like a rollercoaster to hell and back. It will be over. It's like a fantasy. Like a nightmare. Out of nowhere to attack you, ambush you in your weakest hour. This is not how life should be treating me. I should be the one grabbing life by the testicles and making it my prisoner. I need to take hold. I need to cherish. And take it all in. One deep breath. And go.